Those of you who know me, know that I am a huge Greek mythology nerd. It fascinates me. My fascination with it has gotten worse over recent years due to the release of movies and video games such as Clash of the Titans, Wrath of the Titans, Percy Jackson, and the God of War series.

Every now and then i find myself relating to various tales from Greek mythology. One in particular has been coming to mind in recent weeks. It is the tale of Tantalus. Those of you who are unfamiliar with the tale, i will give the short version. He was sentenced by the gods to suffer an eternity of torture. He was forced to stand in a pool of water beneath a fruit tree with a branch just over his head. Every time he reaches up for the fruit, it extends further away forever out of his grasp. Every time he reaches down for a drink, the water recedes. The only things he wants in his entire existence will forever be out of his reach. His whole body aches and cries out to satisfy his desires, to satiate his longing. But will never have.

Fun Fact: It is from this tale that we get our word, “tantalizing”.

I can relate to this in that there are several things that i want in my life that i just cant seem to get. No matter how hard i try or how much i try to plan out a way to make it happen, i always come up short. I should say that means it just isnt meant to be….but i refuse to believe that. Then there are the people that will tell me that you just have to wait for it and it will happen EVENTUALLY. Bull. Just shut it. What it so wrong with me having what I want? Why is that so hard? Yeah I should just be happy with what i have….but thats a load of crap. And the things I want…they arent material by the way. So it isnt that i am greedy. It is activities, dreams, relationships that i want to do/see fulfilled. It seems like everything is happening perfectly so that they are being KEPT from me. Maybe it’s just my paranoia….

Normally i thoroughly enjoy being a deep conversation/self-reevaluating kinda mood. They happen so rarely these days. Tonight i find myself struggling to enjoy this one and really grasp hold of it and see where it leads me. That is prolly cuz i feel like my head is gonna explode or i am gonna vomit up everything i ate today, yesterday, and every day prior. But alas, i will continue.

Sometimes i get in this kinda mood where i will really dig deep into my mind or heart and reevaluate where i am and who i am. This kind of mood hasnt hit me in quite some time. Tonight’s occurrence is largely in part to my change in lifestyle. I am no longer one of those, “party-ers, club-hoppin, hittin on random girls in a bar” kinda guys. In fact my social life in general had pretty much died altogether. For the last month and a half now i have started attending church again. Before i started this it had been almost 5 months since i had been. For those of you who have known me for a while know why thats bad. The main reason for me attending this church was because i had reconnected with an old friend who attends and i felt “compelled” to go. Sundays were usually pretty bad days. i would wake up, go to work (albeit my job is awesome, thats beside the point), and then i would go home to spend my evening/night rotting. Anywho….as chance would have it they were just about to start a new small group series for 20 year olds. I thought, “Hey, why not? Sounds like something that could help me out of this rut i had been in.” So jumping ahead to the present time i am looking back and can see a change. Surrounding myself with good people has drastically altered my state of mind. Although i am not really friends with anybody in the group, i do feel more comfortable around them. Its just nice to be around good company. I havent hit a depression spiral in a while, which is always good. Now i am not saying that going to church and doin this small group thing has completely solved all my problems. I am just saying it has helped. It is a nice change of pace to have people to talk to on a regular basis. To joke around and actually be a part of something. But more credit is due to my friend who got me going to that church. He and I have become close friends again, and that has made all the difference. Now i have someone to talk to about stuff, to do stuff with, and generally share life with. As opposed to what i had been doing prior, such as rotting in my house growing more and more embittered and angry with the world. 

Another significant factor is my recent music playlist creation. I know that sounds weird but let me explain. The past month or so i have gone back and forth listening to a few of my favorite bands. Most notably of which are Anberlin and Ivoryline. The playlist i compiled consists of my favorite songs by those two and other bands. The interesting thing about those two are that they have some of the best lyrics. Ivoryline more so. I’ll post some of the songs/lyrics in later days. A lot of their songs speak of such hope. Such faith in the future. The truth they declare pulls at my heart and makes me feel in ways i havent felt in years. Plus it also helps that said truth is combined with awesome jams, but thats not the point. That just got me started on things. The catalyst if you will. I know things are still pretty messed up inside of me right now…i am just saying they are not as bad as they used to be. I am allowing myself to hope. Hope for MORE of change. i dont know how. I dont know when. Just….soon.